We often find ourselves mindlessly travelling back to toxic relationships in certain patterns. We create list of traits we want our ideal partners to possess, but we throw all caution to the wind once reality strikes. It is a trope so well-acknowledged and accepted, that it has its own place in pop culture. “We accept the love we think we deserve” quotes Charlie in ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower', a movie loved by the masses. From where does this mental conditioning arise? What can we do to re-wire?
The Maternal Deprivation Hypothesis
John Bowlby was a British psychologist renowned for his work in the field of child mental and emotional development. Bowlby believed that human beings are born with a biological tendency to seek to remain close to a primary figure in infancy. This tendency aids in human survival and nurturing.
Bowlby’s Maternal Deprivation Hypothesis, proposed in 1953, stated that “warm, intimate & continuous relationship with a mother (figure) is necessary for healthy psychological/ emotional development. Mother-love in infancy/childhood is as important for mental health as are vitamins & proteins for physical health”.
Psychologists throughout the decades have corroborated this proposal. In 1958, Harry Harlow conducted research to highlight the importance of maternal comfort and physical affection. In this study, Harlow took infant rhesus monkeys from their biological mothers and gave them two inanimate surrogate mothers: one was a simple construction of wire and wood while the second was covered in foam rubber and soft terry cloth. Harry found that the infants spent a significantly higher amount of time with the cloth dummy than the wired one.
Harry’s work also found that when provided support and affection, the infants would learn and explore. However, in the absence of the same, they would display fear and reluctance. When a toy making alarming noise was placed in the cage, an infant with a surrogate mother present would explore and attack the toy, but without a surrogate mother, the infant would cower in fear, resort to curling up in a ball and thumb-sucking.
According to Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development model, an infant either develops a sense of trust and security or mistrust and insecurity depending on whether or not his needs are met by his primary caregiver within the first two years of his lives.
‘Strange Situation’ and Attachment Styles— Landmarks of Developmental Psychology
Based on John Bowlby’s attachment theory, a study known as ‘strange situation’ was conducted by Mary Ainsworth. Researchers observed infants’ reactions on being separated and later reunited with their mothers. The way the child reacts to being left alone in an unfamiliar room and then returned to their caregiver determines the child’s attachment style.
Attachment styles are the different ways in which one interacts and behaves in relationships. They are formed within the first two years of life and determine how one associates with their intimate partners, and how they parent their own children.
Jargon aside, according to this theory, our early parenting and attachments largely define our romantic relationships in adulthood.
There are four types of attachment styles:
a) Securely attached people capable of sending and receiving healthy expressions of intimacy, thus drawing healthy, appropriate, and reasonable boundaries when required, are also capable of grieving, learning, and moving on. Although they are not perfect, their mature approach to relationships makes them the healthiest of the four adult attachment types.
b) The Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style is drama-oriented. People with this attachment style dislike being alone, are prone to jealousy, mood swings, displays of neediness and possessiveness.
c) Those with Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style avoid true intimacy, desire emotional freedom, are self-sufficient and independent, have commitment issues, and may be passive-aggressive and narcissistic
d) Those with Fearful-Avoidant attachment style desire and resist intimacy at the same time. They struggle with relying on others and fear annihilation in romantic relationships. This attachment style has elements of the other two insecure attachment styles (see above).
Earned Security
If you identify with one of the insecure attachment styles, I submit to you the concept of ‘earned security’: developing a healthier and more secure attachment style through improved interactions and relationships. Psychotherapy and healthy friendships provide an ideal environment to achieve ‘earned security’. Besides that, this approach involves recognizing and acknowledging the difficulties of one’s early life and working towards healing any and all traumatic childhood experiences.
When your partner says that they don’t know how "things got so out of hand" after a fight, it may be a former experience or subconscious negative belief coming to the surface. If not reconciled within a satisfactory manner, past experiences can lie underneath our skin and the slightest trigger may set them off. Couples may engage in repeated, toxic patterns of behaviour and may find themselves stuck in an endless loop, with no hope in sight. Depending on how severe an issue is, a psychotherapist may be required to guide you to the best possible path of recovery.