I have been a criminal for over twenty-two years now. A life of crime is not one I voluntarily opted for, it chose me. Other children were born with natural talents and special skills, I for one, was born a heinous crime. My crime not only bears the risk of imprisonment but possible rape, condemnation to hell, physical abuse and dehumanization from the public.
Being a closeted sexually-fluid girl in Africa would make list of the top ten most dangerous acts in the World. This would also top living in the rape capital of the world, which just happens to be my current domicile as well. See, my country condemns homosexuality in totality. When I tell people my sexuality, men tell me, "damn, that's hot, bring your girlfriend over and let's have some fun", girls tell me, "girl that is just a phase", and my personal favorite from my mother; "you are just confused because men have hurt you ." The kind of queer I am has surprisingly received acceptance from the mass of men. This was my impression until I learned that it was because any sexual act done by a woman to another is selfishly accepted only because it is sexually appealing to men.
Cishet men think their penises are so important. My sexuality has been reduced to a plaything for their flaccid penises and weak masculinity. The fetishization of lesbians and sexually fluid girls has been masked as the acceptance of queer girls. I have had men blatantly and loudly express their admiration for my being fluid only because I have apparently retained a sufficient amount of femininity as a blow to my "masculine" counterparts, who have coined the terms "dyke" and "stud". They have told me they were glad I was still going to be "the girl" in the relationship. To be honest, I do not blame girls who make a mockery of sexual fluidity by pretending to be touchy in music videos, Onlyfans accounts, and porn to supposedly scam men of their money and attention because men can be quite dumb.
Growing up, I was still curious about same-sex intimacy, so I resorted to porn like most of my peers. This was because the kind of sex education I received from my heavily conservative catholic school only taught abstinence based on hetero-normative standards. Porn was a great way to get sexually excited, but a horrible way to learn about safe same-sex intimacy, achieving orgasms and initiating sexual conversations in same-sex relationships. The girls on the videos were loud and oblivious to clitoral stimulation, their whole session was clearly fake and mainly for the consumption of men. This was extremely frustrating. This, being so upon the decriminalization of homosexuality in the country, annoyed me more as I could not fully embrace it. An outburst of corrective rape, a term I am still confused had even been normalized to be addressed as such, ensued. Queer women were subjected to sexual violence in a quest to "correct" their sexuality. To this day, African men use their penises without consent to apparently heal homosexuality.
Being a gender criminal has no true punishment because the true point of imprisonment is rehabilitation and retribution of actions made purely from choice. In my culture, a different kind of punishment is implemented through initiation schools. These are traditional practices whereby young boys are taken to camp out at the mountains for six to seven weeks to be culturally circumcised, the primary intention being to turn them into men. The practice is sacred and nobody truly knows what goes on up there in the mountains. All we know is that most of these boys come back circumcised, misogynistic, sexist, and with a head full of toxic masculinity. This homosexuality cure comes highly recommended by traditional and cultural enthusiasts. This, of course, comes second to simply sjamboking (whipping) the gay out of homosexual men. When these two mechanisms prove ineffective, the gays are diagnosed with demonic possession. And that is where the last resort comes in, my personal favorite, prayer and exorcism.
As if direct subjection to prisons by law enforcement is not enough, queer people are condemned to hell by Heaven gatekeepers and Jesus messengers. In my country, it is much worse because it stems from a place of past systemic oppression that not only ostracised Black people, but their choice of sexuality as well. Being the product of a stringent catholic school, I pretty much blocked out sexual fluidity from my mind.
My school had a math teacher openly dating and allegedly sleeping with a bunch of generation Z students from the school but the largest scandal ever was the expression of homosexuality by a few students. This honestly did not bother me considering image being their primary priority. My curiosity about suddenly getting sexually excited upon seeing girls twerk and my deep sexual attraction to the Jamaican Raggae singer Koffee was still unsolved. My half-sister, who I met at 15 years old, was the first queer girl I was exposed to. I still remember my father secretly slipping me some cash and instructing me to go dress shopping with her. To this day, he is convinced she will meet her male soul-mate who will sweep her off her feet and free her of lesbianism. Poor him. So you see, I do not want to be the one to inform him that two of his daughters are criminals, lest his lifespan is reduced.
I am a criminal. My very breathing violates laws set out to bottle me. I would not have it any other way. Others of my kind have served time, been burnt alive, raped and killed. It is not an easy life to lead, but I say we must all just embrace it. Nothing worse could ever come out of this already patriarchal and homophobic world. Us queers are going to hell anyway, so let us just live how we deem fit.
'The Multi-Dimensional Criminal' won a special mention in Teen Belle's online competition, the Sappho Writing Competition (held throughout June 2020), sponsored by feministstickerclub.com.
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